Purpose Driven Life

It has been sometime since I last wrote an entry on this site, but due to my sister-in-law, I am feeling creative. So I will like to dedicate this entry to she and her purpose driven life, because she is a Gem. :-)

Today's post is dedicated to random times in life that make the biggest changes for our future.



My last official post was in July of 2010, and I can truly say that what appeared to be huge obstacles two years ago have subsided to nuggets of wisdow in my noggin. Two years ago, I was still mourning the lost(break-up)(dwelling) of a loved one that I'd held so dearly to my heart, I'd also mourned the lost of a broken friendship and the frustration of living life as I knew it by myself. It was a damning affect on my self-esteem, because I honestly had no idea who I was without those people in my life. However, I am a firm believer in dying parts to create a new start. Parts of me had to completely die out in order for me to inhale fresh air again. I had to let go of that annoying pain of failure that I'd confused with concern in order to get to MY next step in my spiritual journey. I so wanted to lay in my sorrows though I had a valid reason, but it was killing my softly and I was ok with it, because of what I percieved my role to be in the situation. (Such an Aries)

I literally 'Set Fire to the Rain' and freed myself of a mental prison that only allowed me to indulge in acts of self-mutilation by simply jogging. Jogging in my neighborhood saved my life, and kept me focused on the overall picture. As the old saying goes "It's the little things that count most in life" and that could not be anymore true. We all have our golden roads to salvation, but it is ultimatly our duties to find out what that road is. I was blindsided, left on the side of the road of my destined path, and then God spoke to me, told me to get up and jog until I found my way. Now two years later, I still jog to get the monkey off my back, but more importantly I make sure that I see and recognize people for who they are, receive their energy and if it does mesh with my energy then we don't have to force a pairing. We both or all can go on with our lives without disrupting the natural balance of harmony that God so effortless created.

If I could use any freeform object to describe my attitude right now it would have to be a star. My presence is bright, because of the love that I feel with in. Walking with my back straight, head held high, I have already become closer to The One and it makes me beam with gladness. I shine not for attention, but as a beacon for my lost brothers and sisters of the world who's light has dimmed with passing time.

It feels good to be back.

You wear the clothes instead of the clothes wearing you...

This entry is dedicated to Kim...

"I've always been the type to like simple lines and silhouettes, because as cliche as it sounds, less is always more..." -Kim

You know what, she's right. Hell, she's right the majority of the time, way more than I would like to let her think, but that's what best-friends do to each other. We absorb each others personal philosophies, and wave them in the air as one would do a quick-shot photo. I've deviated from the point of this entry.

The topic of our conversation was coming into yourself, and being the reform fashion junkies that we are, we used clothing as a template for our transition into our more adult selves. It seems as though the older I get the less clothing I need to gratify my human existence. Cotton is becoming more and more needed in my wardrobe, leaving the more expensive purchases for later acquisition when my pockets will allow it.

If Kim doesn't know anything she knows herself, and by knowing herself she knows that it doesn't take much to display what God has simply blessed her with which is beauty. I've seen the transformation with my own eyes as she simply retired from the rat race of fleeting trends and has adopted a more natural self. Don't get me wrong the woman has an eye for fashion, but as she and I both know, fashion can be quite tiresome on the soul and again the finances. As a result she and I have both come to the point of our lives where we are past just looking the part, we are living the part, being our own evidence that fashion is more than the clothes you wear; it's a lifestyle.

This lifestyle opens the gates to a broader horizon than what the body could ever provide, because lets face it life is too short to live and die as the best dress miserable bastard to ever walk the face of the Earth. It's about the BBQ with the family, the last minute trip to Chicago or the hole in the wall restaurant that stays open until 1am on Sunday serving the best cheesecake in town. That's fashion for the soul, and that's wearing the clothes instead of the clothes wearing you. You abandon your ego enough to enjoy the little things in life instead of stressing about them. You also find that silver lining to what seems to be a thunderstorm, because you know good or bad, somethings just don't last forever. It's not being like the little lap dog chasing your tail around and around for hours. Catch my drift.

She and I aren't the only people involved in this movement, but I do consider us pioneers for our generation. There are plenty of fly individuals who are individuals in their own right and they march to the beat of their own drum. As Kim said earlier less is more, and when you try less to please others they appreciate you more... Don't take my word for it. I dare you to try our little philosophy out.

Chris's Inferno

What is it about past transgressions of the heart and mind, that binds us to situations that we've considered resolved?



This entry is for the pure of heart, who feel that situations have tainted their souls in a sense, but the true redemption comes from acknowledging your position in the situation and moving on. Forgiveness is key...


True character comes with experience, and in those experiences we see ourselves, truly for who we are; not what we describe. Living in this ever changing world can lead one to believe that old adages of wisdom have long died with the social norms of yesterday. However, as a developing human and adult, I've found that those old adages, if taken to heart, can absolve your life of many hardships.


What lies behind us and what lies
ahead of us are tiny matters compared
to what lives within us
- Henry David Thoreau


There will be many situations that will come to past, and are waiting in the future that must not change who we are internally. I say this with a bleeding heart, because there have been some situations that have come to past that I've felt transformed me somewhat internally, tainted my soul, and somewhat binded me to something negative that should have been let go. When I see this adage, I do begin to see how tiny and insignificant some of these experiences were, but it was my emotional concern for the situations that binded me to experience. This adage says so many different things, but I feel the root of what is being communicated is that of integrity. Having a sense of integrity is very hard and not many people have it. I do feel once you have tapped into your own personal integrity certain situations won't have so much of a hold on your spirit, and the ability to let go will become that healing power that leads to forgiveness.

I am a firm believer that time heals all wounds, but it does become hard when your heart is involved. Hurt feelings can cause wars and eliminate families, but it takes a little piece of integrity to surpass that prideful mind and in time you will be able to eliminate those feelings of retaliation. Right now I am dealing with my own personal integrity, because my feelings were hurt by someone very close to me, but what has helped is knowing that this too shall pass. Some of what I have perpetuated in my mind was an illusion of emotions, having that all to familiar feeling of disappointment and suffering the lost of a friend. Through my laments and woes have emerged tests of my integrity and other situations that could have very well diminished my very nature, but that integrity kept me grounded and I have to remember that this person knows not what they do. As time passes, many memories of what we shared and life lessons in which we experienced with each other becomes things of the past. I have declared to myself that I will not let this change my mantra of life... my sense of self.... or let it trample my integrity... and when the time is right, I'm sure I will forgive you, but at this point it is so hard.

What's it all about...

For the Alfie's of the world....

"Sometimes you have to ask yourself, what's it all about," simply stated by Alfie (played by Jude Law) in the 2000ish remake of the classic movie 'Alfie'. Many times I do ask myself that, "What's it all about?

I ask myself this question daily, but not in the same context of the movie, more so on the level of breaking habits that can have you chasing your "Tail"; for lack of better words. I, like most red-blooded American men relish in chasing my "Tail" to a certain degree, because after all, isn't this what we were put on this Earth to do? Especially being young, with great looks and a sense of style, why not chase your "Tail" every now and then... Ok, I am wearing out the "Tail" reference, but you do understand where I am coming from, right?!

As a young man, sometimes I FEEL I want more than just the immediate gratification of a quick lay, but there is always another around the corner, bigger and better(Ha!), that dissolves that feeling in a blink of an eye. That gets old though... I really do want a stable monogamous relationship in my life. Less stress to keep up with the rat race of insignificant people and more time to enjoy the little things about life, such as ,"How you look when you are sleep?" or that smile you get when you've been gone all day and you see each, embrace and the love feels brand new again... it just warms my heart.....

As I was saying...

You hear stories all the time about people who find true love at first sight, or those who meet someone in that chance encounter, and BAM! they've been hit in the ass by cupids arrow. Not to sound too cynical or jaded, sometimes those stories can be quite embellished to sell the affection of love, rather than the work it takes to get to that point. I truly believe that you can fall in love at first sight, but personally you would not be hearing wedding bells no time soon until I at least learn your last name... I mean what type of guy do you think I am...Oh yeah refer to paragraph two...lol



Anywho, I am true to heart hopeless romantic, and I will confess I yearn for the day when I will find Aphrodite again (see earlier entries), but getting to that point is hard. Being single is really easy in a sense, because all you really have to look out for is yourself, while your relationship-oriented family and friends indulge themselves in the game of love; both winning and losing. It's just those key moments in life like accomplishments, traveling and holidays that make single feel like a brick on your shoulders; even if you are surrounded by a million people. This past holiday season I probably felt the most alone ever in my life and I know it had to do with not having that special person just there saying "I love you" after a quick smooch...

Me and my wondering mind...

"What's it all about?" I ponder, but I know where the answer lies, but before we get to this revelation in 2010, I would like to put this out there that I HAVE NO REGRETS... Ok, back the subject at hand, I feel empty sometimes and I want more.... A little piece of mind and security goes along way, no matter what people say. Aphrodite, where ever you are, if you reenter my life anytime soon, please be kind.

The White Glove Test...

I love ending chapters in books and in life, because they give you so much more to look forward to in the future... I dedicate this entry to the departure of a neurotic perfectionist and the welcoming of a human being...

I am without a doubt stepping in my own stride. Internally it has always been there, but currently I've come to grips why I was so out of tune with my flow, my mantra...my mojo.

To simply state what "It" is, would be entirely out of my character, so I'm going to draw it out as I normally do things.

In earlier post, if they were read thoroughly, you probably would have gathered that I was some type of toured soul who needed to purge himself of life's hardships, and your guess would be somewhat in the ballpark of where I really was mentally. My mind is a labyrinth of ideas, emotions and expectations, normally void of reason when I am in "search" of myself. I do, however, for sake of sanity try and keep a smile on my face to avoid those awkward questions that people really don't want the answers to. Such as "What's wrong?" or "What's on your mind?"... I usually leave people with a million question marks above their heads and then they become somewhat put off, because they couldn't solve my problem(s)... The real answer is that I am to young to be this neurotic and "lost" in my head... I've found that I think way to much about certain things that just need a sort of animal instinct, which I normally suppress... that's a whole different story.


I've found remedies for myself that have helped tremendously and the first was to admit to myself I am not perfect, more so a working progress. Next on the agenda was letting go of past problems, hurt and relationships, because it was necessary for my own personal growth. During that process is when I initially started this blog and is really where the name comes from. A shot in the Dark, is an attempt, I feel, to step out on faith and speak my mind with clear thoughts. Surprisingly it worked.

At this moment and time I have a lot of things to be thankful for. A solid and tight family that loves me dearly tops the list. A reconnection with my spiritual side has also helped me to think clearer and having a great support group of friends that have also been in this journey with me is refreshing.

I feel that I've completed a portion of my life that had me so bogged down. Literally, I found myself walking and looking down at my feet, because life really had got that heavy. The White Glove in my life was an attempt to save face, in order to not have to deal with certain issues, and that's not me at all. I'm a Jackson, an educated Black Man and I'm an Aries(you knew it was coming), and I don't give up. When life pushes, I push back and when I feel I can't go on or there is too much to bear, I pray. These little things, amongst others (I can't reveal all my secrets), are what makes me happy and for me it's what makes life worth living for.

If you come across this article in happenstance, and you feel that no understands believe me I do wholeheartedly. Always remember, a shot in the dark is a step in the right direction, because you create the light that you are searching for. Just take a chance.

Your Toxic....

This entry is dedicated to all whom have fostered that poisonous relationships.... Erykah Badu has a song for you. Bag+Lady(Man)= Revelation... Or as she says, "Pack Light... Ooooo....Ooooo"

"You tried me again," is what echos in the caverns of my head, as I search for reason's unknown to me, as to why you are still in my life.

I'm sure I'm not the only person in this world who has given 2nd and 3rd chances to that most undeserving person, who time and time again finds new ways to reinvent themselves as disappointments.

I see harboring Toxic relationships as I see for people who work a dead end job; it leads to nowhere. Toxic relationships don't just fall in the romantic realm, but they can be your friends as well, to me which is worse. Being that most people who are considered friends are deserving of 2nd and 3rd chances, because lets face it your friends can cause some damage unintentionally in your life. However, those "Toxic" friends drain your soul and being, as a leech on the skin. They have no one but their own interest in mind and they are left to roam around this world without a thought of introspection.

Receiving the harsh treatment was a lesson learned in itself, because I suffered the dreaded karmatic circle that I'd put out. Having the epiphany of all the shit I had put up with was more painful than what I could imagine, because I pride myself on screening people before I let them in my life. Accepting that I've been had was a little easier, which lead to one of the most important aspects of the healing process, and that's letting the person(s) go. Sometimes we don't understand that we have to mentally depart and seperate, before the initial healing takes place. For me it was actually vocalizing the crap that was smeared in my face time and time again. This makes the healing process better in the long run, because there are no questions as to why you and I can no longer be in each others lives.

I'm learning through experience, that in some instances people fool themselves into thinking that they are the problem, because they want to relationship to work...bullshit.

I've also learned through experience that what we do allow will become the blueprint for destruction in the future... true statement.

If you haven't listened to anything that I've stated thus far please listen to this....Leave!!!
It makes life that much easier and you are better without them. If you have to convince yourself that someone may be right for you in your life, it's a trap. Referencing an earlier entry, the best relationships aren't forced, they just happen. Fostering bad relationships not only weight you down, but it can become embedded in your psyche. Meaning, you may become so use to the bad treatment, which can lead you to miss the best thing in your life, because you had a cloudy vision...wipe those eyes.

So I send this message to the recently departed friend in my life... I wish you well, but I think it's best that we don't cross each others paths. It's best that we keep our distance so that we can move past this, or you will continue to dig yourself in a deeper abyss and then from there I can't help you.

In closing, let those people go, drop those bags and get the weight off your shoulder. Life is to short to dig an early grave for yourself and guess what will put you in the ground sooner than later? A heavy heart.

A Wedding: From the eyes of the Bestman....

This day has finally come... 9/19/09

This entry is dedicated to My brother and his beautiful wife... Don't forget to make beautiful memories together...

The entire week my mind was in a tailspin, I knew that he was ready, but was I ready to let him go.

"This wedding was just announced yesterday," I pondered to myself as I scrambled to pack my bags.

Those who know the Jackson brothers know that we are down for each other no matter what. If I could explain the bond we share with each other in one sentence, that sentence would never end...

Embarking on this trip I knew that emotionally I was going to be tore down, because I was losing a piece of myself and it is the best thing for him. The silver lining to this cloud is that I've gained two sisters to torment, my brother and his wife started a new life together and I finally made it to the west coast after years of waiting. So I finally finished packing my 52lb suit case and I set off to old west were dreams are made... I know it sounds cheesy, but hell it kept me calm the entire plane ride. After a couple of quick phone calls to my boys Craig and Jack I was sitting on the plane.

While on the plane I found myself beginning to freak out about my Bestman speech that I had prepared, but neglected to bring. Personally I wanted to speak from the heart, but I was at square one again with my thought process... It's hard to think of one or two great things to say about a person when there are millions of great memories that that two of you have shared. So I decided to to sleep on it...I was awaken by a baby crying and a flight attendant asking my if I wanted peanuts... I opted for the pretzels and a Jack Daniel on the rocks...

As the plane pushed through the clouds I began to feel a sense of relief, who knew being 10,000 ft in the air could feel so good on the soul. Internally I wanted so dearly for someone to tell me it's going to be ok, though people had already been doing that, but what they didn't understand is the severity of the situation in my eyes. I wanted things to be how they were in the past... Gone are the days of playing outside until you turn five shades darker than your normal color, or staying up late on the weekends, playing video games and competitive little league or gone are the days of watching you grow from a boy into a man, but watching vicariously through my own eyes. After I consumed my pretzels and the JD on the rocks, I said a little prayer to God to eliminate my insecurities for this new chapter in my family's life and to birth a new generation of
Jackson men, est 1980, reorganized in 1984.




The plane landed in San Fransisco and due to the time zone change it had already felt later than what it really was. I must say there is a calming aura to California that I just haven't figured out yet... I do think it's the natural barrier that the state has developed over is evolution. Beautiful trees, rolling hills and crisp water. All ingredients for a beautiful and memorable wedding ceremony. My brother and father-in-law picked me up from the airport. I was the first groomsman to make it to Cali from the east coast. That night was simple as everyone started to arrive. Drinks and then sleep...

The next couple of days were spent doing the regular wedding preparations, but it went without a hitch, or maybe it was due to the severe planning of the bride or for once the people involved all pitched in to make sure that their specific duties were taken care of. The bride-to-be was something of a moving force during this process and it was very necessary in this situation. She had a vision of a masterpiece and being the artist that she is, it brought out a more demanding side of her. I was taken back, but not in a bad way, more so on a level of "Damn you are something special."

One of the most refreshing aspects of the weekend is that the boys chilled out. My brother has some really cool friends and I can understand why they all love each other. We moved like a unit, and if I'm not mistaken a unspoken bond was created with the formula of men in the wedding party.
Since the beginning of most of my brother's friendships, I've always been considered the little brother and there was no exception this weekend (LOL).


Saturday was bittersweet to say the least. I looked at my brother and he was so calm, his demeanor was like something I had not seen in a long time. He had that spark in his eye and it was what I needed to get through the day. As we arrived at the church a sense of peace came over all of us, and I think a lot of that can be contributed to the ambiance of the Sanctuary. The church sat on a cliff over looking one of Oakland's canyons. The motto of the Skyline Church is, "Where Heaven and Earth meet..." It was breathtaking... My soul duty as best man is to hold the rings and that I did. I swear I check my coat pocket a hundred times before the ceremony started. Family and friends filled each seat in the sanctuary, the music began to play softly in the background and then the bell rang outside to cue us into the church. Leading us out to the altar was the bride's birth father who married the couple, followed by the groom and then yours truly. Usually during most wedding there is a tension in the air that can be sliced with a knife, but the atmosphere was so light it felt surreal.

The wedding party entered into the sanctuary one by one, the Maid-of-honor entered and then the doors closed. People were in such anticipation, and then the doors opened and in walked the bride. She looked stunning and confident, my brother didn't falter either, it's as if they had been there before. They both lock eyes from the time she walked in. The vows. The rings. The kiss. The Broom. The Jackson's.

Ok I know what I have described seems simple and quaint. Well I wish I could say the same for the reception... If there were one song, just one that could be used to describe the reception, hands down it has to be "Happy Feelings" by: Frankie Beverly, but that comes later. The best man speech....well I must say I had no idea what to say until that moment. So I just opened my mouth, and then it started a wave of toasts, which lead to laughter, tears and hope for the future... Everything that I could not find the words to say, or munster up the strength to say out loud without balling like a toddler, were covered by the wedding party. From that point forward the reception really took on the characteristics of a celebration, and guess what? I have to end my story. Any other details are left for pictures and home videos.


















I will say this though in closing, I was so grateful that God allowed me to be apart of that divine moment...

Wedding Gift: A Pair of Sterling Silver Cuff links... With the initials CSJ engraved into them... Priceless.