The Next Chapter
Letting go of...
It is crazy how life has a way for you to right the wrongs of your ancestors. As a single, gay, educated black man living in a world full of paradoxes, I am starting to realize the torch that I have been carrying my entire life. I've moved beyond the boy who wanted to please everyone to now being the man that pisses everyone off.
My existence brings a level of uneasiness to people that I could not comprehend for the longest time. Interestingly enough, I feel blessed to live this life, but there are those times when my patience gets tested beyond anything that I can imagine. The walk is not so graceful when you feel as though the world is on your shoulders and out to get you. Having so many strikes against you, and yes I said it, my existence, my truth can be a burden even to me. The burden of always having to consume the hate of others, even when I remove myself, can be overwhelming. I feel alone at times, but maybe that's so I can synthesize these feelings, and grow beyond my own wants and needs.
Peel back a layer...
I'm in the midst of processing, again, heartbreak as it was thrown in my face recently by a total stranger who is hell bent on airing my dirty laundry. Frivolously waving secrets that he knows nothing about just for laughs, but what is so endearing is that he is living in his own personal hell. What sucks for me is I am in mourning again. I left my former relationship 10 months ago in total absolution about where we were as couple, and I am still there. However, my heart hurts because I truly believe that I am in the space of healing, and I don't really care for the process. For so long I've kept inside a piece of rage for life as I see injustices all around me, but specifically towards my love life when things don't pan out how I would like them to. My rage is derived from trying way too hard to fit a square peg in a round hole, trying to manifest the dream of a love for me, but I am continuously met with resistance. It all sucks...
Peel back another layer...
I live in a portion of society where battered, abused and depressed gay black men try to be their best selves, but do not have the tools to grow beyond their painful past. What happens is that we all are drawn together like magnets, with the most noble intentions to connect and love one another, but things take a turn for the worse when life throws you a curve ball. Love tests a person's mental health, because it is not about just you the individual. It's about the collective, and growing in a way that transforms, rather than love that wounds you on a deeper level. The level of betrayal that one can experience in gay relationships can send a person on a level of insanity that I would not wish on any person, so I am done with that path. I am walking towards the lit path that I was birthed to walk, with no fear or hesitation, and this time it will be right.
Next Chapter...
Dear Self,
You are beautiful. You will shine on a global level for being you. You will bring forth a newer consciousness of positivity that will heal nations, cultures and families. It will reflect God's infinite wisdom and mercy. It will be your passion. You will be beyond wealthy. You will find balance with family, career and your life partner. You will be in great health, and you will continue to grow to be a better human being. Everyone around you will thrive, but not be dependent on you to live. Your partner will protect you heart's desire and interest.
You both will thank each other as you both climb to greater heights of success, and the universe will be kind to you.
My request to God...
Dear Future Husband, Life-Partner, Co-Father of Our children and Passionate Lover of mine,
We will know each other through eye-sight, and soul connection. Neither of us will be inclined to leave the other for the frivolities and superfluous temporary temptations of life that mean to drive a wedge between the both of us. You will be strong, resolute, compassionate, intelligent , loving and handsome to the core. Your love for God will shine through your being, and we will share in our journey back towards the omnipotent/omniscient one.
There will be a graciousness to our presences with one another. The foundation for our love will be a general respect for one another. Our glue will be the passion and zest of supporting one another through all seasons of life. Our children will be better than us, but will understand that they are loved. Our children will know who they are, and reflect the love that their loving parents have imparted on them. They will also be equip to weather any storm within their lives, and be self-sufficient. Our families will embrace us fully with no question. We will be chic, sexy and sophisticated. I will pour myself into you in a healthy way, and you will be strong enough to accept the fire that burns within me. In return, you will have a emperor who will love and protect you with everything in him, and you will unselfishly reciprocate those actions with me too.
We will grow old together, laughing about how we met and reflecting on our individual journeys in life. We will have homes that we can escape to in different climates, take romantic trips to exotic locations and make a boatload of money to cushion our nest. We are wealthy in love and life, but that will be manifested in our bank accounts, and assets. You are royalty as am I, and in this union we will be free. Free to live and be ourselves, free to laugh and cry, free to let go. You are the love of my life, and I will treat you are such.
I can't wait to meet you, so we can move forward with what God has planned for us. I promise I will be ready for you.
- Chris
It is crazy how life has a way for you to right the wrongs of your ancestors. As a single, gay, educated black man living in a world full of paradoxes, I am starting to realize the torch that I have been carrying my entire life. I've moved beyond the boy who wanted to please everyone to now being the man that pisses everyone off.
My existence brings a level of uneasiness to people that I could not comprehend for the longest time. Interestingly enough, I feel blessed to live this life, but there are those times when my patience gets tested beyond anything that I can imagine. The walk is not so graceful when you feel as though the world is on your shoulders and out to get you. Having so many strikes against you, and yes I said it, my existence, my truth can be a burden even to me. The burden of always having to consume the hate of others, even when I remove myself, can be overwhelming. I feel alone at times, but maybe that's so I can synthesize these feelings, and grow beyond my own wants and needs.
Peel back a layer...
I'm in the midst of processing, again, heartbreak as it was thrown in my face recently by a total stranger who is hell bent on airing my dirty laundry. Frivolously waving secrets that he knows nothing about just for laughs, but what is so endearing is that he is living in his own personal hell. What sucks for me is I am in mourning again. I left my former relationship 10 months ago in total absolution about where we were as couple, and I am still there. However, my heart hurts because I truly believe that I am in the space of healing, and I don't really care for the process. For so long I've kept inside a piece of rage for life as I see injustices all around me, but specifically towards my love life when things don't pan out how I would like them to. My rage is derived from trying way too hard to fit a square peg in a round hole, trying to manifest the dream of a love for me, but I am continuously met with resistance. It all sucks...
Peel back another layer...
I live in a portion of society where battered, abused and depressed gay black men try to be their best selves, but do not have the tools to grow beyond their painful past. What happens is that we all are drawn together like magnets, with the most noble intentions to connect and love one another, but things take a turn for the worse when life throws you a curve ball. Love tests a person's mental health, because it is not about just you the individual. It's about the collective, and growing in a way that transforms, rather than love that wounds you on a deeper level. The level of betrayal that one can experience in gay relationships can send a person on a level of insanity that I would not wish on any person, so I am done with that path. I am walking towards the lit path that I was birthed to walk, with no fear or hesitation, and this time it will be right.
Next Chapter...
Dear Self,
You are beautiful. You will shine on a global level for being you. You will bring forth a newer consciousness of positivity that will heal nations, cultures and families. It will reflect God's infinite wisdom and mercy. It will be your passion. You will be beyond wealthy. You will find balance with family, career and your life partner. You will be in great health, and you will continue to grow to be a better human being. Everyone around you will thrive, but not be dependent on you to live. Your partner will protect you heart's desire and interest.
You both will thank each other as you both climb to greater heights of success, and the universe will be kind to you.
My request to God...
Dear Future Husband, Life-Partner, Co-Father of Our children and Passionate Lover of mine,
We will know each other through eye-sight, and soul connection. Neither of us will be inclined to leave the other for the frivolities and superfluous temporary temptations of life that mean to drive a wedge between the both of us. You will be strong, resolute, compassionate, intelligent , loving and handsome to the core. Your love for God will shine through your being, and we will share in our journey back towards the omnipotent/omniscient one.
There will be a graciousness to our presences with one another. The foundation for our love will be a general respect for one another. Our glue will be the passion and zest of supporting one another through all seasons of life. Our children will be better than us, but will understand that they are loved. Our children will know who they are, and reflect the love that their loving parents have imparted on them. They will also be equip to weather any storm within their lives, and be self-sufficient. Our families will embrace us fully with no question. We will be chic, sexy and sophisticated. I will pour myself into you in a healthy way, and you will be strong enough to accept the fire that burns within me. In return, you will have a emperor who will love and protect you with everything in him, and you will unselfishly reciprocate those actions with me too.
We will grow old together, laughing about how we met and reflecting on our individual journeys in life. We will have homes that we can escape to in different climates, take romantic trips to exotic locations and make a boatload of money to cushion our nest. We are wealthy in love and life, but that will be manifested in our bank accounts, and assets. You are royalty as am I, and in this union we will be free. Free to live and be ourselves, free to laugh and cry, free to let go. You are the love of my life, and I will treat you are such.
I can't wait to meet you, so we can move forward with what God has planned for us. I promise I will be ready for you.
- Chris
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