Letting Go...

Letting go is one of the hardest things that I have struggled with over the years, because truthfully I hate losing. When I was a little boy, I used to cry so much when I felt that I wasn't my best, or I was in a position to lose. My father would be so angry, because he too shared this same sentiment, but expressed his rage in a different way. Whenever these situations would arise I would walk away feeling weak and useless, because as a boy it was drilled into me that showing any type of emotion, other than happiness, is not becoming of the next generation of a black man.. Understanding the previous statement that I'd just mentioned has taken a long time to synthesize in my being, because initially I could not understand why it was so important for me to be fake.

As an adult Black man I understand the weight that we carry in our lives, from discrimination in our everyday life to having to be strong for yourself and your family. We don't have the luxury to flip out on every life situation that arises, nor can we shut ourselves down because we are feeling uncomfortable with how life events are playing themselves out. It is in this truth that I've found a level of compassion and understanding for my father. He was doing the best that he could for where he was during that time, even if I felt slighted in my own life, I can't carry that bag anymore.

It's hard enough being a Black man in America, but being gay too adds another level of crazy that dynamic of life this one post can't contain. Newer levels of discrimination and internal hate that can rage within you like a like a man on steroids, but having to keep it tightly contained as to show that nothing is bothering you is like a debilitating cancer, eating at your existence. I don't feel like I will ever get this level of understanding from my parents in my lifetime, because I don't think they want to have this level of understanding with me. It hurts like hell to only share a portion of yourself when everyone else is at 100%. In this paragraph I am going to let go my war on fairness. Life isn't fair regardless of the circumstances. I started this essay by saying that I've struggled with letting go, and one thing I want to let go in this paragraph is the thought that I am weak. Time has shown that not to be true either, so there is no use in holding on to that lie knowing full well what I am capable of.

I also want to let go of any thoughts about my family that I do not actively ask or seek for myself. Meaning, any wandering thoughts of what someone might think or say should just be put to rest by simply asking the question. While in therapy, a topic that has been plaguing me since I've been living in Maryland is my parents not coming to see me. I've asked them numerous times to come visit, and they have never taken me up on my offer. For the past year, I try not to bring it up, and see if they will take the initiative. True to form they have made promises and just haven't delivered, which is completely out of their characters. For a time I thought it was due to my lifestyle choice, but truthfully I hope my parents aren't that shallow. Then again my parents are human, and not perfect but I'd just wish that they communicated that with me. What I will be leaving in this paragraph is my waiting on the curb for my parents to come. That part of me had to die, or I would have resented them for the rest of my life. I am going to move on with my life and not look back. I feel that seeing them in the horizon is easier than waiting for them to catch up.

Lastly, love is something that I am letting go for now. Truthfully, I know what a dutiful love looks and feels like, but I have had few relationships that have displayed true passion with the duty. Those people know who they are, because it has been discussed, openly, with them how intense our passion  is with one another. My last relationship started out with a nice level of passion, but it dwindled over time. I want to have a man that is both sensitive and strong. Is that too much to ask for? I am letting go in this paragraph a man that does not know what he wants or can offer with love. I am letting go a young man that has tried way to hard to find love that he was willing to negotiate his happiness for hard life lessons. I'm thankful for how things have played out, but the journey was hard.


"I had to let you go, so everything could be beautiful,,,"- Jill Scott