Full Circle
My fingertips are paralyzed from joy as I write this post, because I have a testimony.
If you've been following my blog since 2009 you will notice that for 9 years I've been a sea of emotions. I started this blog for many purposes, one to express myself in a creative way and secondly, to practice writing. Without drawing out this introduction too long, I used to have an fear of my words and how other's perceived those words that I both spoke and wrote. I was hyper-sensitive to criticism, which not only hindered my growth from a creative stand-point, but also professionally. It literally was a debilitating experience for me to send something off for, get this, approval and get back edits as if I were really above fine tuning.
My personal life was even worse, as I faced the "Coming Out" demon, coupled with facing love challenges alone and moving to a different city. The southern man in the uber-conservative Washington, D.C., or at least that's what it seemed on the surface. I felt so out of place as an adult, and it annoyed the shit out of me. Through out the years I documented that proverbial "Bitching" as a psychological dump that kept me both sane and out of jail.
Through all of this I have found a sense of peace with myself. The war on "Individuality" is done for me, as is the war on "Acceptance" and "Visibility". Those aspects of my being have synthesized into my walking life finally, as does the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart. I received a message from my brother today that demonstrated to me how far we've come in 9 years. He explained to me not only is he attending a diversity conference for LGBTQ youth, but he discussed our story with his peers, which got him the invitation in the first place.
One thing I know for sure is "Coming Out" is similar to a corporation fully adopting a new technology. The early stages are always the hardest, because most humans are wired to do things in a systemic way. In the IT world systemic behavior can be referenced as a "repeatable process". The thought of change is difficult to conceptualize, although the existing process may be a total waste of time and resources. Change normally is a slow and arduous process, however, if it is consistent and applicable then there is a paradigm shift. In my experience that shift started with the words from my own mouth. "Coming Out" is only the appetizer to the freedom that one seeks. The shift is solely dependent on you, and no one else.
Today is a full circle moment in my "Coming Out" story, because my brother has become comfortable about speaking about us. He stands with me, as is always has, but his stance is giving others hope for the future who are not apart of the "Us". The process is always bigger than me and my family. I'm only a tool for God's work, but today's events let me know that I am not alone. I've never been alone, and I am loved.
If you've been following my blog since 2009 you will notice that for 9 years I've been a sea of emotions. I started this blog for many purposes, one to express myself in a creative way and secondly, to practice writing. Without drawing out this introduction too long, I used to have an fear of my words and how other's perceived those words that I both spoke and wrote. I was hyper-sensitive to criticism, which not only hindered my growth from a creative stand-point, but also professionally. It literally was a debilitating experience for me to send something off for, get this, approval and get back edits as if I were really above fine tuning.
My personal life was even worse, as I faced the "Coming Out" demon, coupled with facing love challenges alone and moving to a different city. The southern man in the uber-conservative Washington, D.C., or at least that's what it seemed on the surface. I felt so out of place as an adult, and it annoyed the shit out of me. Through out the years I documented that proverbial "Bitching" as a psychological dump that kept me both sane and out of jail.
Through all of this I have found a sense of peace with myself. The war on "Individuality" is done for me, as is the war on "Acceptance" and "Visibility". Those aspects of my being have synthesized into my walking life finally, as does the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart. I received a message from my brother today that demonstrated to me how far we've come in 9 years. He explained to me not only is he attending a diversity conference for LGBTQ youth, but he discussed our story with his peers, which got him the invitation in the first place.
One thing I know for sure is "Coming Out" is similar to a corporation fully adopting a new technology. The early stages are always the hardest, because most humans are wired to do things in a systemic way. In the IT world systemic behavior can be referenced as a "repeatable process". The thought of change is difficult to conceptualize, although the existing process may be a total waste of time and resources. Change normally is a slow and arduous process, however, if it is consistent and applicable then there is a paradigm shift. In my experience that shift started with the words from my own mouth. "Coming Out" is only the appetizer to the freedom that one seeks. The shift is solely dependent on you, and no one else.
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