A Shot in the Dark

For so long I have been on this internal quest of self-discovery which has led me to some dead ends, however, for all of the perceived failures I have triumphs that has literally taken my breath away. Tonight I had the pleasure of proving to myself that when I have faith in God, and meet that faith with a sense of action and purpose I will almost get immediate positive results. In short, that energy has filtered into my professional life too, as I feel that I've found my stride as a professional. That stride is starting to feel more fluid, and natural versus the former ridged movements of a young man who wasn't so sure of his abilities. My current professional persona has me right in the forefront of leading a movement within my company, as we cane wear what we want, so there are no airs just intelligence and action. It feels good to say the least. This endeavor that was achieved tonight almost brought tears to my eyes, because it is a dream come true. It is a manifestatio...

Letting go of... It is crazy how life has a way for you to right the wrongs of your ancestors. As a single, gay, educated black man living in a world full of paradoxes, I am starting to realize the torch that I have been carrying my entire life. I've moved beyond the boy who wanted to please everyone to now being the man that pisses everyone off. My existence brings a level of uneasiness to people that I could not comprehend for the longest time. Interestingly enough, I feel blessed to live this life, but there are those times when my patience gets tested beyond anything that I can imagine. The walk is not so graceful when you feel as though the world is on your shoulders and out to get you. Having so many strikes against you, and yes I said it, my existence, my truth can be a burden even to me. The burden of always having to consume the hate of others, even when I remove myself, can be overwhelming. I feel alone at times, but maybe that's so I can synthesize these f...

Lately, I've been feeling like I am watching my life from a third-person point-of-view. My dreams have been choppy, and I haven't been feeling all that hot. It happens to all of us as we continue down our life paths. Yesterday, it snowed all day. The big fluffy flakes that remind you of some holiday movie, and it was just what I needed to sit my ass on the couch. I spent my time tirelessly scrolling on social communities, while CNN berated the president for allowing another day of the government to be shutdown; I really hate that guy. The best part of yesterday was that I planned a day to myself. I planned the meals, movies and beverages all for me. It felt great to be a total slob, and have a reason for it. One of my good friends called me so we could laugh about life, and I heard a slight scraping sound outside. Trust me I didn't inquire, because I didn't need too. So I continued with my conversation and clove cigar, taking small puffs and exhaling as if I...

If I could only describe this past year in one word it would have to be "Dramatic". Not dramatic in the sense that it was a plethora of cattiness, but more so the random acts of God. Those situations that leave a person questioning life, in the present and future, shaking up the pure foundation of their blurred reality. I've had a year. This year has taught me so many things about my self, I feel evolved from where I was before. This year I've faced death twice, and it was not my time. I am thankful to have my life, and I feel more aware. A psychic once told me that "Things come and go, but in reality it is really about the precious times that you have with your family and friends." She's not the first person that has told me that, so naturally I would have to agree with her. I've been in my head so much about life events that have happened to me, but I believe its time to move on. The psychic also told me that "Curses are spoken...

Letting go is one of the hardest things that I have struggled with over the years, because truthfully I hate losing. When I was a little boy, I used to cry so much when I felt that I wasn't my best, or I was in a position to lose. My father would be so angry, because he too shared this same sentiment, but expressed his rage in a different way. Whenever these situations would arise I would walk away feeling weak and useless, because as a boy it was drilled into me that showing any type of emotion, other than happiness, is not becoming of the next generation of a black man.. Understanding the previous statement that I'd just mentioned has taken a long time to synthesize in my being, because initially I could not understand why it was so important for me to be fake. As an adult Black man I understand the weight that we carry in our lives, from discrimination in our everyday life to having to be strong for yourself and your family. We don't have the luxury to flip out on...

My fingertips are paralyzed from joy as I write this post, because I have a testimony. If you've been following my blog since 2009 you will notice that for 9 years I've been a sea of emotions. I started this blog for many purposes, one to express myself in a creative way and secondly, to practice writing. Without drawing out this introduction too long, I used to have an fear of my words and how other's perceived those words that I both spoke and wrote. I was hyper-sensitive to criticism, which not only hindered my growth from a creative stand-point, but also professionally. It literally was a debilitating experience for me to send something off for, get this, approval and get back edits as if I were really above fine tuning. My personal life was even worse, as I faced the "Coming Out" demon, coupled with facing love challenges alone and moving to a different city. The southern man in the uber-conservative Washington, D.C., or at least that's what it seemed...

Originally authored in 2009 I just deleted the original intent for this article, because my perspective has changed for the direction of this article. I want to address my African American men. The first topic that I will like to address is that of Colin Kapernick's silent protest, and why did it take so long for our community as a whole to embrace the courage of this man. It totally annoys me to no end when someone stands for something that is right, and the greater majority, selfishly picks it apart as to say that "I kinda agree" but it's just not my cross to bear. That cross for Kapernick is that of a man who was just as tired as any other human, primarily a person of color, who had to read about the extreme cases of racial injustice in America. I refuse to rehash every instance of racial injustice that has happened in the past two years, because that would mean that I am writing to another reader who is living under a rock. I just can't understand why we...

I am in a space that I haven't been in for a long time. This space is the expanded version of the freedom that I once felt in my 20's, but now in my 30's is outlined in a wisdom called cautiousness. It is a good thing for me to be myself, but also a little cautious in my life so I don't throw the baby out with the bath water. In my journey of the "other" I've found that things in life just aren't fair and that is perfectly fine with me, nor is everyone a potential positive influence [read: naive me] in my life. I own that I've put myself through the ringer with my boxed-in perceptions of life, and my interpretation of self; however that is the process of maturity. To see one's self in pure truth, or a more advanced truth than what was seen before. I'm so grateful that it has happened, and wasn't pushed to the back burner like some of my peers have done for themselves.  This slight judgment is rooted in an observation that I've co...

Burning, you keep my whole body yearning You got me so confused It's a shame Sometimes I think I'm going insane But still I want to stay - Evelyn Champange King This entry is for those who have carried their cloak of shame like a badge of honor, and how you must free your self of this pseudo-mental illness. Shame is nothing that should be nurtured, however, it is normally implemented in the place that should be nurturing you; the family. I've noticed that I have become a sponge for shame for a great majority of my life. Most of my shame has been rooted in in my esteem via my sexuality. Although many people find the discussion of sexuality as a tiresome subject we have to recognize that your view of your self through the lens of sexuality is a baseline of how you view yourself in society. In a very basic sense the degree, the cars, the tight dresses, the shiny suits and frequent visits to be groomed are all factors when one wants to find, and/or attract a poten...

This entry is for all the bag carriers of the world. I understand the struggle. One of the most dire aspects of transformation that I am still learning to navigate is forgiveness. It is my belief that many  people will tell you that it NEEDS to happen, and I can only speak for myself when I say forgiveness is necessary, but it only happens when you actually make the effort and try. To Forgive by definition is to stop, relinquish, cease or grant pardon of (insert emotion) about a subject that is plaguing you. Now that we have the actual word defined let's discuss the specifics. Am I supposed to forgive you without any regard to my feelings or emotions? Basically, I am supposed to admit defeat in the situation, and just turn a blind eye to the turmoil that you have caused me in my life time. The answer is a matter of perspective. If you consider walking away admitting defeat then there in lies the problem. It is supposed to be a difficult task that you manag...

This entry is dedicated to the  ending of my former self... Its funny how life seems to toss you around the proverbial wash & and; rinse cycle only to leave you out to dry. The funny thing is that I am still trying to getting the hang of this journey called life, but the best part is that I am finally fine with just doing that, living. No crusade to hide behind or a empty relationship to fight with;  just me. I need a lot of work, but I am happy that my fire is still ablaze in spite of some set backs of the past. The set backs were the lessons that will become the guide for this chapter of my life, and to tell you the world the truth I am so fortunate to have made some mistakes, seen those disappointments and search the extreme depths of my emotions. It was needed, and those days that I wished for peace have finally come to fruition. I leave behind a very green young man who always wanted to see the good in everyone regardless of what they showed him continu...

The uncertainty of  goodbyes are worst than a fickle "I will call you back".  Trust me when I say that I am an expert on horrible goodbyes, and each time it seems to get worse and worse. I've had the horrid we are cutting back on OUR expenses, and we are turning your office into a storage room for printer paper. Sheesh! Those poor trees. I've also experienced the sucker punch, your co-worker is getting a promotion and we are letting you go to cut back man power. Damnit! There goes my daily trip to Chick-Fil-A. I have a myriad of last days and goodbyes that swirl around my noggin, so I won't bore you with too much sentimental fluff. Just know that the last story ended with my desk being packed up in a box in a corner while I was away on a business trip; at least they did all the packing. Thank you for the six month supply of staples and collection of pizza menus. Pure class. Since graduating from college I've said goodbye (jobs) o...

Today's post is dedicated to what I would like to describe as the Now generation. Presently living in the Now generation I have learned with great misfortune that we live for the emptiness of illusions, and in that emptiness most of us spend our lifetimes searching for what is ultimately the mere foundation upon which we stand; To be, to live and to grow.  To merely live is a divine right given to us by our creator, a right that is referenced in the Preamble of the Constitution, and is taken for granted daily by the value that we place on our own insecure interpretations of what life should look like superficially. The greatest resolution for this life of illusion is that the illusion is only temporary regardless of how much time has been invested in nurturing the facade, and in the end,  the truth, whatever it may be, will reveal what is truly tangible in the now. Meaning, at the end of the day, or when your light goes out in the world, what its it that truly mat...

O ne of the best gifts about writing is looking back on an old post and seeing how far you've come from the last mental spillage to the world. I look at  my last entry as a milestone in my life, because I truly started to live after I wrote "I am Gay" to the abyss of the world wide web. That milestone will never be reduced in my mind, and the thought of being so visible doesn't really bother me as much as it use to. My life has tremendously changed when I decided to exists in the light of the present instead of basking in the shadows of doubt.  The question is what's next... Who knows what my next spiritual journey entails; mountains, giants, dragons or more self-discovery or maybe a family The most important lesson that I've learned this year is that the process will be beautiful. A weathered exterior, such as the Earth, gains her majesty from her own emotions, and her bouts with the universe. The reason I consider life so special is due to it being the o...

This entry is for my new spiritually clean apartment; there's no place like home. Today, as many days, had its highs and lows, however it kept with the pace of my new beginning. I am embracing the fact that my know-it-all mantra has been left on the side walk like an evicted tenant's belongings. I am also embracing admittance of the defeat of my more younger fragile self and allowing room for a newer improved version of my manly, yet fragile ego. Yes, I laugh at my own jokes. Follow me here. My lover and I had a discussion about taking a leap of faith in order to live your best life. I must admit I was the chair of the committee to trash this topic until he asked a very clear and direct question, "What is your plan?" My mind went into 5,000 directions at one time until a light bulb came on, so I deflected,"What are  WE going to do?" Slick right? He wasn't amused nor was he letting off his stance. I hope he didn't think I was either... We will re...

Why is it so hard to have both the love of your life, and a level of success that fills you to the brim??? Normally I would dedicate this entry to a reader, but this entry is really a shot in my own dark... So here's to you Southern Gentleman. Lately I've gotten a grasp back on my life after having a couple of years of wandering aimlessly, searching for answers to questions I already knew, and growing a couple more hairs under my chin. I've started back on the right foot, but there is an emptiness in this eternal bachelor. This void has no name nor does it hurt, but I just know it's there... Just recently I've returned from a writing hiatus, only doing my major scribbling for my personal notebooks and extensive world domination schemes. I skimmed through my files just to get a feel for the flow I left, and found this incomplete entry above and it made me smile. Change is good for the overall picture and for the longest I fought a sense of change in my l...

It has been sometime since I last wrote an entry on this site, but due to my sister-in-law, I am feeling creative. So I will like to dedicate this entry to she and her purpose driven life, because she is a Gem. :-) Today's post is dedicated to random times in life that make the biggest changes for our future. My last official post was in July of 2010, and I can truly say that what appeared to be huge obstacles two years ago have subsided to nuggets of wisdom in my noggin. Two years ago, I was still mourning the lost(break-up)(dwelling) of a loved one that I'd held so dearly to my heart, I'd also mourned the lost of a broken friendship and the frustration of living life as I knew it by myself. It was a damning affect on my self-esteem, because I honestly had no idea who I was without those people in my life. However, I am a firm believer in dying parts to create a new start. Parts of me had to completely die out in order for me to inhale fresh air again. I had to let ...

This entry is dedicated to Kim... "I've always been the type to like simple lines and silhouettes, because as cliche as it sounds, less is always more..." -Kim You know what she's right. Hell, she's right the majority of the time, way more than I would like to let her think, but that's what best-friends do for each other. We absorb each others personal philosophies, and wave them in the air as one would do a quick-shot photo. I've deviated from the point of this entry. The topic of our conversation was coming into yourself, and being the reform fashion junkies that we are, we used clothing as a template for our transition into our more adult selves. It seems as though the older I get the less clothing I need to gratify my human existence. Cotton is becoming more and more needed in my wardrobe, leaving the more expensive purchases for later acquisition when my pockets will allow it. If Kim doesn't know anything she knows herself, and by knowing ...