Burning Sage
This entry is for my new spiritually clean apartment; there's no place like home.
Today, as many days, had its highs and lows, however it kept with the pace of my new beginning. I am embracing the fact that my know-it-all mantra has been left on the side walk like an evicted tenant's belongings. I am also embracing admittance of the defeat of my more younger fragile self and allowing room for a newer improved version of my manly, yet fragile ego. Yes, I laugh at my own jokes. Follow me here.
My lover and I had a discussion about taking a leap of faith in order to live your best life. I must admit I was the chair of the committee to trash this topic until he asked a very clear and direct question, "What is your plan?" My mind went into 5,000 directions at one time until a light bulb came on, so I deflected,"What are WE going to do?" Slick right? He wasn't amused nor was he letting off his stance. I hope he didn't think I was either... We will revisit this topic.
Both of us exhaled and took another shot at finding a resolution to our layered conundrum.
The first leap of faith for me, dare I say, read the first line of the second paragraph again. Just checking to see if you were actually reading. For so long I've held onto the weighted hope that my life was not headed toward Boys town, and I fought my natural attraction tooth and nail, hurting some people in the process and almost losing myself to pain until one day I asked myself what it's all about Alfie? See previous post.
I came to the realization that I love me more than other random people's insecurities. I started to open my tightly closed closeted eyes and looked at my surroundings. I was alone, not in the literal sense more so on the level of of watching others around me be completely happy without any regard to any one's opinion of their lives, so why was I obsessing over my own unhappiness? I had become an emotional cutter minus the knives. The pain I inflicted on myself was a mental prison I'd put myself in when I first started acting on my latent homosexual feelings. I became secondary to society's twisted rule book, and I was fine with it.
To make an extremely long story short, I chose the potential of extreme happiness over the guaranteed misery had I stayed where I was mentally, and I can honestly say my life has never been better. The love that I never thought I would find found me. Actually, we found each other, but don't tell him I told you that, in transition as if God was saying to me I hope you didn't think it was going to be that easy. I still give thanks.
Leaps of faith are necessary to grow or you will forever be THAT family member, friend, church goer, frat brother, gym buddy or fellow barbershop fellow who is still hollering "I am keeping it real!" to an empty room at your own pity party. I decided to keep it real and live in my own truth, because I never wanted to live life without a true and genuine love that I could call my own.
Back to this debate...
The next leap of faith for me comes in the form of sacrifice so we both can be happy, and this party of one is having a hard time letting another chair and table setting interfere with his weekly surf and turf. I asked for partnership and in walks the next best thing since slice bread, and I'm having this conversation with myself. This has to be real, right? One day at a time.
Today, as many days, had its highs and lows, however it kept with the pace of my new beginning. I am embracing the fact that my know-it-all mantra has been left on the side walk like an evicted tenant's belongings. I am also embracing admittance of the defeat of my more younger fragile self and allowing room for a newer improved version of my manly, yet fragile ego. Yes, I laugh at my own jokes. Follow me here.
My lover and I had a discussion about taking a leap of faith in order to live your best life. I must admit I was the chair of the committee to trash this topic until he asked a very clear and direct question, "What is your plan?" My mind went into 5,000 directions at one time until a light bulb came on, so I deflected,"What are WE going to do?" Slick right? He wasn't amused nor was he letting off his stance. I hope he didn't think I was either... We will revisit this topic.
Both of us exhaled and took another shot at finding a resolution to our layered conundrum.
The first leap of faith for me, dare I say, read the first line of the second paragraph again. Just checking to see if you were actually reading. For so long I've held onto the weighted hope that my life was not headed toward Boys town, and I fought my natural attraction tooth and nail, hurting some people in the process and almost losing myself to pain until one day I asked myself what it's all about Alfie? See previous post.
I came to the realization that I love me more than other random people's insecurities. I started to open my tightly closed closeted eyes and looked at my surroundings. I was alone, not in the literal sense more so on the level of of watching others around me be completely happy without any regard to any one's opinion of their lives, so why was I obsessing over my own unhappiness? I had become an emotional cutter minus the knives. The pain I inflicted on myself was a mental prison I'd put myself in when I first started acting on my latent homosexual feelings. I became secondary to society's twisted rule book, and I was fine with it.
To make an extremely long story short, I chose the potential of extreme happiness over the guaranteed misery had I stayed where I was mentally, and I can honestly say my life has never been better. The love that I never thought I would find found me. Actually, we found each other, but don't tell him I told you that, in transition as if God was saying to me I hope you didn't think it was going to be that easy. I still give thanks.
Leaps of faith are necessary to grow or you will forever be THAT family member, friend, church goer, frat brother, gym buddy or fellow barbershop fellow who is still hollering "I am keeping it real!" to an empty room at your own pity party. I decided to keep it real and live in my own truth, because I never wanted to live life without a true and genuine love that I could call my own.
Back to this debate...
The next leap of faith for me comes in the form of sacrifice so we both can be happy, and this party of one is having a hard time letting another chair and table setting interfere with his weekly surf and turf. I asked for partnership and in walks the next best thing since slice bread, and I'm having this conversation with myself. This has to be real, right? One day at a time.
Comments
Post a Comment