How Does One Empty Their Bags?

This entry is for all the bag carriers of the world. I understand the struggle.


One of the most dire aspects of transformation that I am still learning to navigate is forgiveness. It is my belief that many  people will tell you that it NEEDS to happen, and I can only speak for myself when I say forgiveness is necessary, but it only happens when you actually make the effort and try.

To Forgive by definition is to stop, relinquish, cease or grant pardon of (insert emotion) about a subject that is plaguing you.

Now that we have the actual word defined let's discuss the specifics. Am I supposed to forgive you without any regard to my feelings or emotions? Basically, I am supposed to admit defeat in the situation, and just turn a blind eye to the turmoil that you have caused me in my life time. The answer is a matter of perspective. If you consider walking away admitting defeat then there in lies the problem. It is supposed to be a difficult task that you manage forgiveness, but it's not your job to try and forget. Trying to forget what has already happened causes more stress in the long run, because it is impossible. Acceptance is the key and we will delve into that later. To me, forgiveness is the Spring after a harsh Winter; It is the belch after stuffing your face for hours; It is a Healed Scar under the scab.


After a harsh winter sometimes everything from the previous year must die completely in order for fresh new aspects of life to thrive. There can not be a new start without a death of the old. Death is the inevitable; it is life. My fear of death in the past is that it is so permanent and unchanging. The death of a relationship is the realization that the situation is completely over, and initially the death could leave a void that can never be filled ever again.  In this case I am speaking of someone who is near and dear to me not the average person. The forgiveness of one's self is a fight that can take a life time to achieve, but will never go away until faced directly.

Whether people know it or not, I take relationships very seriously, and one of the reasons that I've struggled with forgiveness of a person is that I didn't want to leave that person behind. I wanted to preserve those special moments in time, regardless of the circumstances, so that I could assure myself that the time invested in that relationship wasn't a complete a utter waste. The issue with that premise of thinking is the assumption is rooted in the thought that the person feels the same way about me. When I realized that I wasn't getting what I felt that I should have been getting from that person in the situation I have now added disappointment to the process which is a whole new can of worms. 

There may have been times in the past that person was there for you, or that you and that person just enjoyed each other's conversation, or that time that you and that person defended each other's honor tooth and nail against the cruel world, BUT the fact remains the same; you are not good for one another in the present. Those memories and experiences are just what they are, the past. Those memories weren't strong enough to preserve the relationship in the present, and that's ok for the future. The death of the old has to happen or you will become eternally suspended in time with those false positives called memories. To me it's one of the most violent mindfucks that a person can perform on themselves, because its completely unconscious. You unconsciously trap yourself in a duty to a relationship based off memories instead of the acceptance of the present which shows you that this person needs to exit your life for good. Freezing and holding on to that person mentally is only doing yourself a disservice. You are preserving pain in suspended animation.

With the suspended animation of preserving an obsolete person comes a gluttony of one's ego. A stuffing of a sort to assure you that you are somehow better than the person that you are trying to forgive, but until you actually forgive that person you are losing the battle slowly. We like to feed ourselves with positive affirmations, take on false senses of realities and people who will promote our delusions. This practice, in my experience, has led to other anchors of emotions, like guilt, because these factors alter the basic essence of who you are as a person. Guilt is stealthy and can last for years. Guilt comes in so many forms, and for me it came in the form of resentment and anger which lead me to allow myself to be consumed by negativity.

    


Trust me when I say that the tango of Karma is an ugly game, regardless if you were right or wrong in a situation. A person may have stolen money from you, but to practice the act of retaliation can lead you on a dark path that you can never return from; hence why it is better to cut your losses up front and practice forgiveness. To feed yourself the notion of justification is a dangerous diet that is irreversible which leaves no winners. The false realty of justification can manifest in martyrdom; one of the deepest oceans of delusion. You justify being bitter because you were the victim, and that has caused your life to be where it is now. You then surround yourself with people who support your indulgence in self-hating, addiction to empty friendships and inflated self-esteem. At this point you are so full of yourself that you don't even realize that you've isolated yourself from the very the thing that could help you; truth the antacid.  

By the time you burp there is so much release and relief, however, it can leave a foul stench in the air. The feelings of knowing that you have lost yourself in a situation, or the idea that you could have acted 'better' than the other person is tragic to say the least. For some people they never transition from this stage, forever collecting people for their personal menagerie of broken egos, and playing the part of the "better" friend. This line of thinking is complete and utter horse shit if you are still running into the same problems. A healing can only happen when you own your side of the situation in earnest and truth. By doing this a scab will begin to form if you leave it alone, and it will leave a scar as a reminder.





A wonderful friend of mine who just so happen to be a writer, producer and play-writer created a stage play called 'Forgiving but not Forgetting" and it deals with my next topic of discussion which is scarring. In my experiences with the forgiveness process scarring is the inevitable; even if you just so happen to make an amends with the person that you are feuding with part of healing is scaring. The past will and can never be changed, and there has to be an acceptance in that. That acceptance is feared by many, but again completely necessary. The issue with acceptance is that it is deeply personal, and it only requires you and God. To accept that you have been duped, or made a fool of is an extremely harsh lesson that is only repeated if you don't really get lesson the first time around. God has a crazy way of humbling you if you don't heed his warnings, and will continue to remind you over and over again until you realize that you may be part of the problem. The persistent experience of running into the same shit but on a different day can lead to madness. Again the acceptance starts from within. Being able to see the proverbial curve ball before it leaves the hand of the pitcher, or noticing the pattern of the same person coming into your life, slightly taller, shorter or with a tad bit more money is the gift of acceptance from previous situations. Saying that "I've been had" is one of the most liberating experiences in your life, because this is truth. It leads to that next statement that ensues ultimate victory which is "I forgive you and myself". 

To forgive and not forget will eminently leave a scar as a reminder that yes this has happened to you, but never forget the lesson that has been taught to you. One of those lessons in my experience is that you can not help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Secondly, the time spent with your family should be protected at all cost and should never be compromised for anyone else. Lastly, on this Earth you control your destiny meaning that everyday that you are blessed to wake up you are given a choice to live life under the light of God, or under the guise of darkness. At any rate there are consequences for either decision which will determine the next day, and so forth and so on. The point is that you have a choice.

How does one empty their bags? By forgiving and not forgetting. The conditioning of forgiveness is a personal journey, and not one that can be taught. It is the essence of life such as the likes of birth, love and death, and can only be explained as you experience it. The most important thing to remember is to try to be better. Holding on to pain is harder than trying to free yourself of it, but that in itself comes with acceptance.



With all of this being said accept your winter for it will bring a fruitful spring. Watch what you put into your body and mind, because it does have lasting effects on your soul over time. In addition, watch who you let into your space for they can tarnish the purity that is needed to heal. Lastly, there will be reminders of past situations as guides for a better future, but that does not mean that you have to trap yourself in that time, because you have the choice to move on.


You're so vain. I bet you think this song is about you; don't you...