Embracing the Other
I am in a space that I haven't been in for a long time. This space is the expanded version of the freedom that I once felt in my 20's, but now in my 30's is outlined in a wisdom called cautiousness. It is a good thing for me to be myself, but also a little cautious in my life so I don't throw the baby out with the bath water.
In my journey of the "other" I've found that things in life just aren't fair and that is perfectly fine with me, nor is everyone a potential positive influence [read: naive me] in my life. I own that I've put myself through the ringer with my boxed-in perceptions of life, and my interpretation of self; however that is the process of maturity. To see one's self in pure truth, or a more advanced truth than what was seen before. I'm so grateful that it has happened, and wasn't pushed to the back burner like some of my peers have done for themselves. This slight judgment is rooted in an observation that I've come to actually love about going through dark times; seeing that you aren't the only person who struggles with life; realizing that some people have no idea of what they are talking about over wine; that the conversation being had is one that you're actually having with yourself, and the other person isn't in the conversation that you think that you are have, but they are in fact thinking about the message that they received earlier on Facebook; that you are in a special place that the other non-listener isn't in, and one day they too will wake up and have their own epiphany; that you are dressed in a new set of perfectly woven garments called consciousness; this clothing is soft to the touch and has you walking with your head held high; a wisdom that the fearful are scared of having, because they would rather invest in lies and self-loathing; the lies that comfort them in their walking lives; the clouded judgement; but you are further along than you think, when the dust settles you look up and see what you thought about it wasn't the truth; it being the "It" that causes you to doubt yourself for years while others believed in the "other"; now having found yourself back on the path you see through the eyes that you are meant to see through; still learning and never forgetting.
I've so far learned that I have anger issues that are kept at bay when I'm sober, but turned inside out on the wrong drunken night. I've seen the extreme ugliness of suppressing my true heart felt feelings deep inside my soul. Experiencing how that ugliness has transfigured me in a way that I can't explain, and it is still seeping out of my being after years of absorption. I've learned how to harness these releases in positive ways, and remembering that I am still human, but there are times when I am "outside" of myself; when I need to release the Kraken. I believe that I had a level of psychological trauma that resided in my heart and mind from things that have happened in the past, and I have to work on coming to peace with those things that still feel so real in my life. The next step is to ask why is that "thing" still so important to me and my welbeing in the long run? The bigger issue has been trying forget completely instead of embracing that which has happened. The process of trying to forget has really caused me a lot of heartache, so I'm investing now in looking at it with a sense of humility. I have way to much to be thankful for than to carry the baggage of a perceived loss around. If it is gone then it needed to be gone. That I know for sure.
What makes me ugly is not telling the truth. Not telling the truth when it is necessary literally takes life completely out of my body; which causes me to drink. I've written before that I pray and meditate, and dream regularly where I wasn't before. It has taken close to two years to get back to this state of mind, and I am so grateful to be back on God's path for me. I have no plans of leaving his grace any time soon by the way. Investing in trusting God's will, prayer with action and knowing that whatever I put my mind to will manifest good or bad. Embracing the other is embracing that which was already written before I was created. So in order to do that I have to pick the path over the vices.
In my journey of the "other" I've found that things in life just aren't fair and that is perfectly fine with me, nor is everyone a potential positive influence [read: naive me] in my life. I own that I've put myself through the ringer with my boxed-in perceptions of life, and my interpretation of self; however that is the process of maturity. To see one's self in pure truth, or a more advanced truth than what was seen before. I'm so grateful that it has happened, and wasn't pushed to the back burner like some of my peers have done for themselves. This slight judgment is rooted in an observation that I've come to actually love about going through dark times; seeing that you aren't the only person who struggles with life; realizing that some people have no idea of what they are talking about over wine; that the conversation being had is one that you're actually having with yourself, and the other person isn't in the conversation that you think that you are have, but they are in fact thinking about the message that they received earlier on Facebook; that you are in a special place that the other non-listener isn't in, and one day they too will wake up and have their own epiphany; that you are dressed in a new set of perfectly woven garments called consciousness; this clothing is soft to the touch and has you walking with your head held high; a wisdom that the fearful are scared of having, because they would rather invest in lies and self-loathing; the lies that comfort them in their walking lives; the clouded judgement; but you are further along than you think, when the dust settles you look up and see what you thought about it wasn't the truth; it being the "It" that causes you to doubt yourself for years while others believed in the "other"; now having found yourself back on the path you see through the eyes that you are meant to see through; still learning and never forgetting.
I've so far learned that I have anger issues that are kept at bay when I'm sober, but turned inside out on the wrong drunken night. I've seen the extreme ugliness of suppressing my true heart felt feelings deep inside my soul. Experiencing how that ugliness has transfigured me in a way that I can't explain, and it is still seeping out of my being after years of absorption. I've learned how to harness these releases in positive ways, and remembering that I am still human, but there are times when I am "outside" of myself; when I need to release the Kraken. I believe that I had a level of psychological trauma that resided in my heart and mind from things that have happened in the past, and I have to work on coming to peace with those things that still feel so real in my life. The next step is to ask why is that "thing" still so important to me and my welbeing in the long run? The bigger issue has been trying forget completely instead of embracing that which has happened. The process of trying to forget has really caused me a lot of heartache, so I'm investing now in looking at it with a sense of humility. I have way to much to be thankful for than to carry the baggage of a perceived loss around. If it is gone then it needed to be gone. That I know for sure.
What makes me ugly is not telling the truth. Not telling the truth when it is necessary literally takes life completely out of my body; which causes me to drink. I've written before that I pray and meditate, and dream regularly where I wasn't before. It has taken close to two years to get back to this state of mind, and I am so grateful to be back on God's path for me. I have no plans of leaving his grace any time soon by the way. Investing in trusting God's will, prayer with action and knowing that whatever I put my mind to will manifest good or bad. Embracing the other is embracing that which was already written before I was created. So in order to do that I have to pick the path over the vices.
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