A Shot in the Dark

Burning, you keep my whole body yearning You got me so confused It's a shame Sometimes I think I'm going insane But still I want to stay - Evelyn Champange King This entry is for those who have carried their cloak of shame like a badge of honor, and how you must free your self of this pseudo-mental illness. Shame is nothing that should be nurtured, however, it is normally implemented in the place that should be nurturing you; the family. I've noticed that I have become a sponge for shame for a great majority of my life. Most of my shame has been rooted in in my esteem via my sexuality. Although many people find the discussion of sexuality as a tiresome subject we have to recognize that your view of your self through the lens of sexuality is a baseline of how you view yourself in society. In a very basic sense the degree, the cars, the tight dresses, the shiny suits and frequent visits to be groomed are all factors when one wants to find, and/or attract a poten...

This entry is for all the bag carriers of the world. I understand the struggle. One of the most dire aspects of transformation that I am still learning to navigate is forgiveness. It is my belief that many  people will tell you that it NEEDS to happen, and I can only speak for myself when I say forgiveness is necessary, but it only happens when you actually make the effort and try. To Forgive by definition is to stop, relinquish, cease or grant pardon of (insert emotion) about a subject that is plaguing you. Now that we have the actual word defined let's discuss the specifics. Am I supposed to forgive you without any regard to my feelings or emotions? Basically, I am supposed to admit defeat in the situation, and just turn a blind eye to the turmoil that you have caused me in my life time. The answer is a matter of perspective. If you consider walking away admitting defeat then there in lies the problem. It is supposed to be a difficult task that you manag...

This entry is dedicated to the  ending of my former self... Its funny how life seems to toss you around the proverbial wash & and; rinse cycle only to leave you out to dry. The funny thing is that I am still trying to getting the hang of this journey called life, but the best part is that I am finally fine with just doing that, living. No crusade to hide behind or a empty relationship to fight with;  just me. I need a lot of work, but I am happy that my fire is still ablaze in spite of some set backs of the past. The set backs were the lessons that will become the guide for this chapter of my life, and to tell you the world the truth I am so fortunate to have made some mistakes, seen those disappointments and search the extreme depths of my emotions. It was needed, and those days that I wished for peace have finally come to fruition. I leave behind a very green young man who always wanted to see the good in everyone regardless of what they showed him continu...

The uncertainty of  goodbyes are worst than a fickle "I will call you back".  Trust me when I say that I am an expert on horrible goodbyes, and each time it seems to get worse and worse. I've had the horrid we are cutting back on OUR expenses, and we are turning your office into a storage room for printer paper. Sheesh! Those poor trees. I've also experienced the sucker punch, your co-worker is getting a promotion and we are letting you go to cut back man power. Damnit! There goes my daily trip to Chick-Fil-A. I have a myriad of last days and goodbyes that swirl around my noggin, so I won't bore you with too much sentimental fluff. Just know that the last story ended with my desk being packed up in a box in a corner while I was away on a business trip; at least they did all the packing. Thank you for the six month supply of staples and collection of pizza menus. Pure class. Since graduating from college I've said goodbye (jobs) o...

Today's post is dedicated to what I would like to describe as the Now generation. Presently living in the Now generation I have learned with great misfortune that we live for the emptiness of illusions, and in that emptiness most of us spend our lifetimes searching for what is ultimately the mere foundation upon which we stand; To be, to live and to grow.  To merely live is a divine right given to us by our creator, a right that is referenced in the Preamble of the Constitution, and is taken for granted daily by the value that we place on our own insecure interpretations of what life should look like superficially. The greatest resolution for this life of illusion is that the illusion is only temporary regardless of how much time has been invested in nurturing the facade, and in the end,  the truth, whatever it may be, will reveal what is truly tangible in the now. Meaning, at the end of the day, or when your light goes out in the world, what its it that truly mat...

O ne of the best gifts about writing is looking back on an old post and seeing how far you've come from the last mental spillage to the world. I look at  my last entry as a milestone in my life, because I truly started to live after I wrote "I am Gay" to the abyss of the world wide web. That milestone will never be reduced in my mind, and the thought of being so visible doesn't really bother me as much as it use to. My life has tremendously changed when I decided to exists in the light of the present instead of basking in the shadows of doubt.  The question is what's next... Who knows what my next spiritual journey entails; mountains, giants, dragons or more self-discovery or maybe a family The most important lesson that I've learned this year is that the process will be beautiful. A weathered exterior, such as the Earth, gains her majesty from her own emotions, and her bouts with the universe. The reason I consider life so special is due to it being the o...

This entry is for my new spiritually clean apartment; there's no place like home. Today, as many days, had its highs and lows, however it kept with the pace of my new beginning. I am embracing the fact that my know-it-all mantra has been left on the side walk like an evicted tenant's belongings. I am also embracing admittance of the defeat of my more younger fragile self and allowing room for a newer improved version of my manly, yet fragile ego. Yes, I laugh at my own jokes. Follow me here. My lover and I had a discussion about taking a leap of faith in order to live your best life. I must admit I was the chair of the committee to trash this topic until he asked a very clear and direct question, "What is your plan?" My mind went into 5,000 directions at one time until a light bulb came on, so I deflected,"What are  WE going to do?" Slick right? He wasn't amused nor was he letting off his stance. I hope he didn't think I was either... We will re...